TRUSTING YOURSELF MORE THAN YOUR MEMORY: TIPS FOR VALUES-BASED DECISION MAKING

DR. JAN NEWMAN

I am a psychologist and a coach. Although being a coach, in most states, requires no certification or specialized training, a clinical psychologist must be certified to be a coach to comply with state requirements. So, even though I had a PhD in clinical psychology with thousands of hours in specialized training and supervision and was a former attorney and professor in a doctoral program in psychology, my Board informed me that I had to have a 40-hour coaching certification to be able to know the difference between coaching and psychology.

Ok, so that’s a thing? Sure. I love to learn. Clearly.

One of the things that I found so interesting (and frustrating) in my coach training was how they described the difference between coaching and therapy. The message was that: therapy is about the past and pathology while coaching was about the present and performance. Simple as that.

Really?

I really tried to be quiet and just get through this part. Implicit in their argument was that past behavior and experiences was irrelevant. Yet given that I spent many more hours studying behavioral analysis and neuroscience then Freud who was a blip in one of my systems books, I eventually had to speak up.

When the trainer finally called on me, I did all the good communication stuff – reflect, affirm, and validate – and then I just dropped the bomb of this scientific fact.

“The past is always present.”

What I meant is that our memories and prior learning history inform our expectations and often dictate our decision making whether we like it or not . . . unless we learn to master the skill of self-awareness.

Decision science is fascinating yet the first rule is that we’ve got a whole lot working against our making truly intentional decisions:

The biggest problem is that most of this is happening unconsciously and governed by our natural human tendency to avoid pain or perceived threat of pain at all costs even at the expense of joy and pleasure.
Oh, and the other part is that our memories are inaccurate. Because it is so difficult for us to stay present, we struggle to capture key details of the present moment that influence the accuracy of our memories. Every time we tell the story (in our mind or to others) we change some detail that then changes the story further.
Adding more to the mix – cognitive biases such as the primacy effect and recency effect indicate that we will remember what happened first and last better than the middle. (Hint: Most of it’s in the middle).
Of course, our limbic system ensures that we are more likely to remember events that are associated with intense emotion and if there is a perceived threat that our memory will emphasize the negative aspects. The experience of trauma takes all of this to a completely different level. This negativity bias works great for survival yet without awareness, it’s not helpful when you are trying to take a calculated risk.
Relatedly, when we are making decisions, we overemphasize risk even in the face of data and experience. If we are planning a trip by plane and our mind conjures the memory of a plane crash we saw on TV, our brain will overemphasize that risk. Many people are afraid of plane travel (33 to 40%) although it is, by far, statistically, the safest way to travel.

In a Ted Talk, Daniel Kahnman discusses the conflict between experience and memory. He describes the difference and the conflict between the part of us that remembers and the part of us that experiences and observes.

We chase things that family or society says we should want (earning more and more money) even though it does not improve our happiness and often contributes to our suffering. We kill ourselves to take expensive vacations because that’s what our families did or that’s what others do even though they don’t help and short ones actually do (and the research does support this).

We avoid the things that matter to us (hugging our partner, speaking up with a supervisor) if we’ve had a past experience that made us feel uncomfortable/

Ok, so that’s a thing? Sure. I love to learn. Clearly.

Really?

When the trainer finally called on me, I did all the good communication stuff – reflect, affirm, and validate – and then I just dropped the bomb of this scientific fact.

Humans do what works. And what works does not mean what works for our peace and happiness. It means what works for us to follow the default rule of human existence:

Avoid pain at all costs.

If we are on auto-pilot and not making intentional decisions based on our values, we will always take the path of least resistance and perceived escape.

Unfortunately, most of the things that give us the greatest joy and fulfillment are rife with pain: love (grief and loss), reward (risk), and life (death).

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers a flexible and sustainable alternative to avoidance.

What is the alternative?

Get present and aware. Strengthen your awareness of the difference between your internal memories and stories and your experience in the physically, present world.
Open up and actively accept. Notice what other internal experiences come up about those memories and stories that might impact your decision making – difficult thoughts, urges, feelings, or sensations. Instead of immediately trying to suppress or escape those, open up to that experience and allow yourself to ride the undercurrent of emotion or “surf the urge” to react.
Unhook. Identify and acknowledge the story and memory and then curiously and nonjudgmentally distance from it, asking questions like: How does this story serve or help me? Notice the question is not whether it’s true. As the research suggests, the quest for truth and certainty with our memories and stories is futile. As Admiral Ackbar says, “IT’S A TRAP!”
Orient and Act on Values. Clarify what matters to you and orient your decision making from that point. When we allow our values to guide our decision making, we can make decisions that may feel uncomfortable in the short term, but in the long term lead to fulfillment.

Memory:

“The last time I was on location for an extended time, my company did not offer reimbursement to come back home.”
“While I was separated from my family, I remember that I missed out on a lot of family time. My children said they missed me all the time and my partner was unhappy.” These memories could be further influenced as far back as childhood experiences of asking for things and being told that asking was selfish or hurt others. It just goes on and on.

Story:

“If I ask for reimbursement for trips back home or my family to join me, I will lose my job. If they were going to let me do it, they would have offered it. You’re lucky to be paid like this and others would kill to go overseas for a month. Stop whining.”
“If you go on this trip, your partner is going to be angry and your kids are going to be harmed. Your job consumes your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You got an MBA so you could be told what to do with your family. That’s pretty sad.”

Values in Core Life Domains:

Work – I value engagement and excellence at work.
Family – I want to be a loving, supportive, and present parent and partner.

Decision making based on Values:

Get present and aware. “I am noticing this story that if I do X, Y will happen.” “I am noticing sensations of tension in my chest, stomach discomfort, and shortness of breath”
Open Up and Actively Accept. “I am noticing I want to get rid of these.” “Of course, it makes sense that my brain is pushing for that – safety and survival first. That’s what it does.” “While I am noticing this urge, I am staying with these experiences to get space right here, right now.”
Unhook. “Are these stories helpful to me?” “On one hand, it may be helpful to think about how best to approach my supervisor on any request, it doesn’t seem helpful to avoid the conversation given how important my family is.” “Not talking to my family about this might feel better in the short-term, yet it doesn’t feel helpful in the long term.” (Nonjudgmental acceptance continues here – “It makes sense that I’m thinking in terms of short-term and musts and shoulds – that’s what our brain does. I can notice that and unhook”)
Orient and Act on Values. “What actions can I take that are most in line with my values?” “I could brainstorm several options and talk to my partner first about the impacts on our family and our relationship as that is always my priority value.” “Possible values-based options could be: 1) asking for someone else to go on the trip if this is a bad time for me to be away from our family and offering my support in other ways to help my team, 2) requesting reimbursement for me to come home and/or making a plan for returning home, 3) exploring whether my family could come with me, etc.”

Momentum’s resources are for informational purposes only and are not intended to assess, diagnose, or treat any medical and/or mental health disease or condition. Our resources do not imply nor establish any type of therapist-client relationship. The information should not be considered a substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health or medical provider who could best evaluate and advise based on a careful evaluation.

TRUSTING YOURSELF MORE THAN YOUR MEMORY: TIPS FOR VALUES-BASED DECISION MAKING

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